Have you ever needed to do something, but just couldn't bring yourself to do it? I did something big last night that hurt a lot, but the outcome was great. Or will be soon.
I have been seeing a guy (who we will call K) for several months. It was a very casual thing, but it started to mean more to me than it did to him.
There were a few weird um.. quirks.. that I am not going to go into, but just know that it was interesting at first. We met and got close and eventually started dating pretty exclusively, but those things came into play quite a bit in the beginning. They started to not be so worrysome later.. but they were replaced by new worries for me.
I crave a committed, stable and long term relationship with somebody who I can grow to be old married folk with. That's what I want and if you have stuck with my blog for any amount of time (bless your heart), you know this.
Simply put, he is not in the same place as me. He and I were on different wavelengths with it, but somehow made it work for quite a while. It got to be comfortable and he sorta became my "practice boyfriend."
Another big thing to me is that my friends hated him. When K and I went out on dates, we would pretty much go to the same places and go alone. None of my friends wanted to join us. That's hard, especially when you adore and respect your friends' opinions as much as I do.
Two or three weeks ago, I ended things with him. It was just time. I needed to quit fooling myself into thinking that anything would change. I knew it wouldn't, so I did it.
I told him that I couldn't be in that kind of toxic-y relationship any longer. I told him that I did not want to kick him out of my life, but couldn't continue in the same capacity because it would eventually make me crazy. He understood and was a bit sad, but knew my reasoning and was okay with it.
I figured that there would be time for us to be apart and all before resuming contact, but we were chatting the next day. I figured it probably was not the smartest thing, but I did it anyway.
A few days ago, he told me about a date he had been on the night before. Turns out that I knew the guy and everything kind of became real. He told me too many of the sordid details and my mind just changed. I went from jealousy to mad to upset and knew that something had to give.
So.. last night, I had a really long chat with him and told him that I needed to break communication with him. I originally said "for a while", but I think we both know it is forever. It was really nice because I had a chance to talk over and air out all of my "issues" in a very nice way and made certain that he understood why and wouldn't have a bad taste in his mouth with me. It was mature and a very good way to end, if there is such a thing. For once in my life, I got closure.
We parted as friends, which made me feel good. I know it was for the best, but I have to say that it ripped my heart apart. The dam broke and it was messy for a bit, but I made it through. The ugly cry happened, but it was good... I needed to let it out.
I do have to take a second here and point out that cutting somebody out of your life is hard work in this day and age! There was the whole unfriending on Facebook, deleting phone numbers and text files, removing from buddy lists and a few other things.
My heart hurt a lot last night, but I slept on it and woke up to a brand new day. Today was a really good day and I feel like my dating karma or whatever is cleansed now.
I am ready for whatever (or whoever) comes my way.
Hey Life, bring it on!
Happy Valentine's Day and Happy Beginning of the Rest of My Life!