Reflections...

One of my favorite songs is called "Best Imitation of Myself" and is by Ben Folds. 

Part of the song goes like this..

"I feel like a quote out of context
Withholding the rest
So I can be for you what you want to see
I got the gesture and sound
Got the timing down
It's uncanny, yeah, you think it was me"

This particular section of the song has been running through my head for weeks now because I identify with it so much.

Lately, I have been having a pretty rough time.  (Before you start worrying, I am making it through and will come out a much better man.  Keep reading.)

It all started a few weeks ago when Adam and I broke up after a five months together. 

I will never speak badly of him, but I was getting to the point where I needed to step away.  There were certain aspects of the relationship that were amazing, but I found myself trying to tailor myself to the expectation that he had of me.  It just wasn't working and it became time to take it down a notch.

We probably should have stayed friends before we bumped it up to more, but we plowed through that and went too fast.  Hopefully, we can make a transition back into a good friendship because I miss him like crazy and am ready for him to be back in my life.

I know that kind of stuff happens to everybody all the time, but it had been several years since I had seriously dated anybody.  I did the breaking up for the most part, but ended up taking it much harder than I had imagined that I would. The thoughts of if I made a mistake or if we could have worked it out just kept running through my head.  I did not sleep much and just was not in a good place for the first few days afterward.

About two weeks ago, we saw each other at a choir concert.  I had a big spell that consisted of about 15 minutes of some good ole ugly crying afterward.  After getting it all out, the sky opened up and I started to feel much better about it all.  (Plus, I went to a bar right afterward and saw that there was life after him.  That helped.)

In all of my reflecting, I realized that my decision was for the best.  I can't spend my time trying to become someone that I do not recognize for another person. 

I have to be me.  Pure and simple. 

Dare I say it... could I be growing up and becoming more mature?  Yikes.

There are a few areas of my life that I think about and wonder why they are not prevalent anymore.  These are things that I used to really enjoy and be excited about, but have ceased to do for some reason or another. 

Maybe I have grown up a bit or whatever, but I miss some of those things.  

In typical J.P. fashion, I made a list of some of those things.  My challenge is going to be integrating those things back into my life and seeing if I still adore them as much as I did. 

There are three big ones that I am going to make public on the blog, so that I can get them out there.  Feel free to hold me accountable.

The first is getting back into the gym.  I had been going pretty much every day until Adam came along.  I have started back and have been going strong with it. I just load my IPod with some knitting podcasts or some bad '90s dance music and go.

I also rejoined Weight Watchers and am happy to report that I am down 3.4 pounds in the first week.  I have been needing to lose some weight and I think this is the perfect time to really make it happen.

Reading has come back into my life, which is a good thing.  I can remember days of rushing to the bookstore in my hometown to see if they had this or that particular book.  I kinda miss that!  

I have gotten myself hooked on the Sookie Stackhouse books which are the basis of HBO's True Blood.  I am into the 3rd book and really enjoying the stories.   Charlaine Harris is a good writer and humor is infused throughout, which I like. 

I also read a quick little book called What Now? upon Sheila's suggestion through a Facebook post.  It was the perfect book for the perfect time.  I had checked it out of the library, but feel the need to eventually add it to my bookshelf. 

I am so blessed to have a wonderful set of people in my life who take me and love me for me.  I am thankful for them every day.  There are just some people who I used to adore, but have fallen away from for whatever reason.  I miss those people.  I just want to find ways to get reacquainted with those people and try to assimilate them into my life again.  This one will probably be hard, but I would just like to tell them how much they have meant and continue to mean, even if I have not seen them in years.

There are several other 'improvements' that I am looking to make in myself.  The process is going to be slow, but I think the outcome is going to be good. 

There is nothing like pretty much hitting the bottom of the bucket to make you want to rise above everything, right?

It's just gonna take time.

Stay tuned..

Comments

[Pamela]

I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out but I'm proud that were strong enough to end it and do things for YOU.

[kontan]

Taking it slow is good, you'll be more successful that way! Glad to see you blogging and hope the sunshine stays bright in your life. (((hugs)))

[debra]

sounds like you've made some good decisions. know that I'm rooting for you. HUGS!
debra

[Knit Witch]

Good for you!!! You always have to take care of YOU otherwise you aren't going to be worth crap in a relationship ya know? We love ya and can't wait to see you in October!! Woo hoo!

[Stacey _CrimsonPurl]

Glad you are making it thru and even taking back some of yourself you lost too!!! Ooh how I miss reading too! Keep working on fabulous you!! And know that it takes TIME!!

[Snowbird]

First and foremost, always be true to yourself and be yourself. Trying to put a round peg in a square hole doesn't always work. I know that you've heard that before. It appears that you have listed some things that are very important that makes you, YOU! Keep at it! We all do change with time, but think about the things that make us all individuals. Those things don't change much. We just keep adding to our great tapestry of life. I am cheering you on!

[tonni]

You could be growing up?? It sounds like you are already there!!! Get happy with YOU... then worry about other things. You are seriously on a positive track :)

[Stacey]

It sounds like you made the best decision and I think you have great things ahead for you :)

And I love that Ben Folds song, I can also relate :)

[Enid Shaw]

I feel for you.
It is hard when any relationship (platonic or romantic) ends, but you are coming out great.
Keep on blogging and should it help, you can vent or otherwise to me anytime.
All the above comments I agree with
take carexx

[HollyEQQ]

I am proud of you. It is hard to look inside.... without getting quesy! Particularly after a break-up.

But it sounds like it is one of those "happens for a reason" things.

And even if you decide the gym isn't the place for you or weight watchers, making a commitment to a healthy lifestyle is a good thing.
Big boobie hugs.
Holly